My father is very ill right now. Even though I am with him, he is constantly having to be heavily sedated because when he is awake, he is in much discomfort. So, even though I had many years to tell him how much he means to me...now it finally weighs heavily on my heart to tell him but I can't. However, I can write this post in honor of my amazing father and hope he will soon be awake and be able to read this for himself, but it'd be even better for me to be able to tell him face to face. Maybe this is to intimate to put on Facebook, but that's just the kind of person I am. Maybe it'll be an encouragement or a reminder... Don't spend another day at odds with someone when it's in your ability to make peace. Perhaps, you aren't at odds with anyone, but there are people in your life that you haven't told recently how much they mean to you. Extend kindness whenever possible because without love, what's the point?
Daddy, from the earliest time I can remember, I knew without a doubt that you loved me. You made it clear that I was precious to you. You always made me feel beautiful. From when you would take me to get my hair curled or my nails painted when I was a little girl to when you shared my college graduation pictures on Facebook gushing with admiration for me. (You were the only one I sent all my photos to because I was confident of this.) I remember sitting on your lap many evenings while you'd: read me a story (until I started reading to you instead - only to realize I only memorized it), cut up and feed me steak (I think I always ate your meat and never asked for my own), or you'd cut my fingernails (you always knew when I was due for a cut). I had many cozy memories with you on that rocking sofa chair.
You reminded me always that true beauty comes from within. You shared stories with me and spoke wisdom and truth as I grew up that shaped me into the person I am today. My values and my beliefs are heavily influenced by you.
I remember knowing from a young age that you treasured me. After two boys, you told mom that you didn't want to have another child unless it was promised to be a girl. Obviously, this couldn't be promised to you but you risked it anyway. Because you didn't find out until the day I was born that I was a girl, your heart was filled with joy and you and mom were so thankful to have your little girl.
When you and mom were going through divorce, I remember writing you a note that said something about how you have to love me because I am your daughter. You replied that loving me comes easily and naturally, like breathing and it is not something you have to force yourself to do.
I remember a time of deep sorrow when I finally told you some heartache I had and you told me how much pain it brought you to see me sad. That if you could, you alone would bare that heartache to spare me if you could.
Just this last summer I realized how much you care for me to an extent that I could never fathom. First, I realized how selfless you have been in our relationship. You put aside your own desires to let me have freedom to choose. I didn't choose you... And that hurt you. But you didn't push relationship with you on me. You loved me enough to let me go. For a while, I wished you would have just pursued me even though I kept pushing you away. But I know that I probably would have withdrawn from you more and resented you for it. I'm sorry for pushing you away. At times, I didn't understand how you were actually loving me. But now I do. I'm older now and I see how much you loved me. After that was established, you asked me to tell you all about things I had been doing for the past five years. I sensed that you genuinely and actually cared about my experiences and my interests and passions. You wanted to hear my thoughts about things.
Because of these things, I can rest in your love. You are a portrayal of God the Father's love for me. This is a priceless gift that every father should grant his daughter, but I know that is not always the case.
I can't explain the weight lifted off my shoulders and heart when I realized how much you loved me. But I wonder if I ever lifted the weight off yours. How I wish I did. I hope it's not too late to do so. Dad, you are a wonderful father. I know you did your best and you made decisions that you thought were loving my brothers and I the best.
I wish I knew you better. I wish I let you in more. I put expectations on you that were unrealistic for any human being to fulfill. I put standards on you to be a superman when you were a great man, but you were also just a man - a sinful human being (like me). And sure, you didn't do everything right but you didn't have to. You still loved me and filled a place in my life that nobody else could ever fill. I'm thankful for you. So thankful. I love you.
Please, make it through. So I can tell you how I feel about you and we have time to be together. So you can walk me down the aisle (I know I say I don't want to get married, but I will if only to let you fill this role) I am even willing to give you grandkids if that'll make you better...
Please. God, grant my father another chance. We need him for a while longer. He is a beloved husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle, friend, golfer, cook, puppy owner, coworker, Christian, but on the most basic level - human.
