Sabbath Rest

What comes to your mind when you think of the word Sabbath? Does it seem outdated, old covenant, old testament, or the reason you cannot enjoy Chick-Fil-A on Sundays? Does it signify rest? Does it have a positive or negative connotation to it?

One of my favorite things to do is look up a word in the dictionary that I am already familiar with. I think that it helps me to better articulate my thoughts. The word SABBATH is noted first as "the seventh day of the week, Saturday, as the day of rest and religious observance among Jews and some Christians" and "the first day of the week, Sunday, similarly observed by most Christians in commemoration of the Resurrection of Christ" and "any special day of prayer or rest resembling the Sabbath" finally, "a period of rest".  The definitions seem to go in the direction of change from a particular day, to another day, to any day, to any period of time at all. I think this symbolizes the freedom that has occurred in practicing Sabbath rest.

Keeping the Sabbath is actually a part of one of the 10 commandments, I say "actually" because I forget that a lot. Exodus 20:8-11 says "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." Now before you worry about the fact that you "work" on the Sabbath...the New Testament does relieve you of any guilt: "Therefore let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and rink, or with regard to a festival or a new moon or a Sabbath. These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ" (Colossians 2:16-17). You don't have to practice the Sabbath. However, there is an important concept behind this practice that we should never lose - and it's more than besides merely going to church once a week or having a "Sunday fun day"

Unfortunately, although they practiced it very well, Pharisees and rulers of the law during the time of Jesus were really missing the point of the Sabbath rest. They were legalistic about following the law to the point where they did not actually have to check their hearts with God. They wanted to know the ruling for every single instance there could ever be. How far you could throw something in exact measurements or what to do if an animal fell in a hole during the Sabbath...and even whether a man should be healed on the Sabbath. They lost the significance of the Sabbath being one of rest because the loving Creator wants to remind his people that they need only to "be still" and know that he is God, it became a time of criticism and judgement upon others. 

There have been a few seasons in my life where I was invited to practice Sabbath. My Sabbath experiences mostly included spending 3-5 hours alone either in solitude and sometimes silence. Since I have been at the Christian discipleship program in Pennsylvania, we practice Sabbath every Monday morning from 9am-12pm. It has been a process, some good experiences and some bad, but today was our last Sabbath. As I sat alone in a chair, doing nothing in particular, I wondered whether I had really grown as much as I hoped to have in coming to this program. I have always felt a lot of pressure to do lots of ministry and to do it well. I have felt pressure to bring hope to the hopeless and peace to the restless...and when I fail, it hurts rather badly. I wonder if I am just not understanding the bigger picture. As I sat there, doing nothing, I realized that I am already loved and saved by Jesus just as much as I ever have been and ever will be. That he doesn't "need" me to do anything for him. His love will never change. Everything I do from here on out (or have ever done) is just "bonus" or "extra credit" and when you already have an A+ you don't need extra credit. I am at rest in his completed work. I could (but won't) sit in that chair for the rest of my life and it'd be ok. This gives me freedom to try and fail, it gives me freedom to try and succeed but not getting prideful about it. I am free to work the 6 days of the week because I am always at rest in Jesus on the 7th. His love for me doesn't change by how much work I do or don't do. I am free to love because I can and because I was loved first. 

So whether you regularly practice a Sabbath, in Christ, you can always find rest in the fact that whatever you do today (during this Christmas season or otherwise),  you are loved completely and perfectly. Nothing you can do will make him love you more and nothing you can do will make him love you less. Take risks, be vulnerable, love others freely, because you are at rest in the completed work of Jesus.

"So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his." Hebrews 4:10

to my dad

Things I wish I could say

My father is very ill right now. Even though I am with him, he is constantly having to be heavily sedated because when he is awake, he is in much discomfort. So, even though I had many years to tell him how much he means to me...now it finally weighs heavily on my heart to tell him but I can't. However, I can write this post in honor of my amazing father and hope he will soon be awake and be able to read this for himself, but it'd be even better for me to be able to tell him face to face. Maybe this is to intimate to put on Facebook, but that's just the kind of person I am. Maybe it'll be an encouragement or a reminder... Don't spend another day at odds with someone when it's in your ability to make peace. Perhaps, you aren't at odds with anyone, but there are people in your life that you haven't told recently how much they mean to you. Extend kindness whenever possible because without love, what's the point?

Daddy, from the earliest time I can remember, I knew without a doubt that you loved me. You made it clear that I was precious to you. You always made me feel beautiful. From when you would take me to get my hair curled or my nails painted when I was a little girl to when you shared my college graduation pictures on Facebook gushing with admiration for me. (You were the only one I sent all my photos to because I was confident of this.) I remember sitting on your lap many evenings while you'd: read me a story (until I started reading to you instead - only to realize I only memorized it), cut up and feed me steak (I think I always ate your meat and never asked for my own), or you'd cut my fingernails (you always knew when I was due for a cut). I had many cozy memories with you on that rocking sofa chair.

You reminded me always that true beauty comes from within. You shared stories with me and spoke wisdom and truth as I grew up that shaped me into the person I am today. My values and my beliefs are heavily influenced by you. 

I remember knowing from a young age that you treasured me. After two boys, you told mom that you didn't want to have another child unless it was promised to be a girl. Obviously, this couldn't be promised to you but you risked it anyway. Because you didn't find out until the day I was born that I was a girl, your heart was filled with joy and you and mom were so thankful to have your little girl. 

When you and mom were going through divorce, I remember writing you a note that said something about how you have to love me because I am your daughter. You replied that loving me comes easily and naturally, like breathing and it is not something you have to force yourself to do. 

I remember a time of deep sorrow when I finally told you some heartache I had and you told me how much pain it brought you to see me sad. That if you could, you alone would bare that heartache to spare me if you could. 

Just this last summer I realized how much you care for me to an extent that I could never fathom. First, I realized how selfless you have been in our relationship. You put aside your own desires to let me have freedom to choose. I didn't choose you... And that hurt you. But you didn't push relationship with you on me. You loved me enough to let me go. For a while,  I wished you would have just pursued me even though I kept pushing you away. But I know that I probably would have withdrawn from you more and resented you for it. I'm sorry for pushing you away. At times, I didn't understand how you were actually loving me. But now I do. I'm older now and I see how much you loved me. After that was established, you asked me to tell you all about things I had been doing for the past five years. I sensed that you genuinely and actually cared about my experiences and my interests and passions. You wanted to hear my thoughts about things.

Because of these things, I can rest in your love. You are a portrayal of God the Father's love for me. This is a priceless gift that every father should grant his daughter, but I know that is not always the case.

I can't explain the weight lifted off my shoulders and heart when I realized how much you loved me. But I wonder if I ever lifted the weight off yours. How I wish I did. I hope it's not too late to do so. Dad, you are a wonderful father. I know you did your best and you made decisions that you thought were loving my brothers and I the best.

I wish I knew you better. I wish I let you in more. I put expectations on you that were unrealistic for any human being to fulfill. I put standards on you to be a superman when you were a great man, but you were also just a man - a sinful human being (like me). And sure, you didn't do everything right but you didn't have to. You still loved me and filled a place in my life that nobody else could ever fill. I'm thankful for you. So thankful. I love you. 

Please, make it through. So I can tell you how I feel about you and we have time to be together. So you can walk me down the aisle (I know I say I don't want to get married, but I will if only to let you fill this role) I am even willing to give you grandkids if that'll make you better...

Please. God, grant my father another chance. We need him for a while longer. He is a beloved husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle, friend, golfer, cook, puppy owner, coworker, Christian, but on the most basic level - human. 

A Weaned Child

Being a follower of Christ (a Christian) doesn't mean that you will be happy all the time. It does not mean that you will not struggle. It does not mean you will not have doubts. It does not mean you won't cry often. If you're a Christian already, you have probably realized this  by now. If you aren't, you might hold some of this misconceptions. 


So, what does it mean for my daily life? What difference does being a Christian make in times of heartache, trial, bad moods, frustrations, and unanswered questions? I've been thinking about that a lot here.

When Christ came, he talked a lot about light and darkness. For the past month, I have been walking in light which includes a lot of things, but particularly I am thinking about being honest with my emotions and my sin. It also includes responding to my emotions and sin in a way that represents my allegiance to the kingdom of God. With my sin, I confess it to God and to fellow believers, ask for forgiveness, and finally try to turn away from it. With my emotions, I admit them, I experience them, I talk about them, and I try to surrender them to God in prayer. For a lot of my life, I walked in darkness - even while I believed in what I believe now. I did not confess my sin and ask for forgiveness or strive for righteousness. I did not experience my emotions in a healthy way. I would try to distract myself, turn to sinful things, or I would just bottle it all up. Now that I am walking in light, I still feel sad, frustrated, and angry. A lot, even. But because I am finally attempting to respond with a Kingdom of God mindset - it has been one of the most wonderful months of my life. I feel a sense of freedom, joy, and peace some days. It is like feeling happy, but in the most guilt free, deliciously gentle way. It is not a surge of pleasure. It is just a lightness of the heart and I can't help but radiate it in my smile and in my conversations with others. 

The best way I know how to describe how I feel in those moments is like a weaned child.

wean¹/wēn/ verb: accustom (an infant or other young mammal) to food other than its mother's milk.

The process of weaning a child is not very fun. Breast feeding brings a sense of closeness, warmth, comfort. It is what the baby is used to. It has been that way their whole life thus far. Now, the mother puts them in a high chair and while the child wants warm milk - they only have smashed up fruits that might seem questionable at best. The child will throw fits and long for things to go back to the way they used to be. But a WEANED child, is one who has gone through this irritating process and finally rests in the fact that it won't get what it wants. The desire is probably still present, but the child trusts the mother cares and loves them and knows what is best. Even if they don't realize those steps in details.

When I go through the symptoms of entitlement: I don't WANT to feel this way, I shouldn't have to, I want what I want - please give it to me (especially with God) then I am in the process of weaning. When I finally rest in the fact that I won't get what I want and I don't try to get it anyway, I find a calmness and quiet to my soul. I hope one day I won't have to continue going through the weaning process and the process to feeling the peace feels easier or quicker, but until then - I enjoy and treasure these moments. I look forward to them while I am going through the weaning.

Enjoy this Psalm which is the inspiration to my thought process:

"I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul"

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
    my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me

O Israel, hope in the Lord

 from this time forth and forevermore

-PSALM 131

Blogging from New Hampshire.

Currently, I am working as a mentor at a Christ-centered healing community. Initially I called it an "addict recovery program" but it is a little bit different than that. People come here as a "gap year" between high school and college to be discipled, some of them are addicted to a substance or unhealthy relationships or they might struggle with depression and anxiety. The women that sign up to do the program are called "residents" and the women that sign up to help are called "mentors" (that is what I am doing.)

As a way of allowing friends to be up to date about what is going on in my life, I want to practice the discipline of writing (a blog). I am going to shoot for once-every-other-week. Maybe I will post more or maybe I will post less.

Some structure to help when I am unsure of what to write (this is just for me to refer back to):
Recently...this past week...or today

• What are you learning?
• How is your relationship with God?
• Any new ideas/concepts?
• What really made you laugh?
• What made you cry?
• What did you regret?
• What did you enjoy?
• Who do you miss and why?
• What are some goals/hopes/dreams you have?
• What would I like others to pray for?

With that, I will start my first post.

What I learned

TODAY

September, 26 2014

First, you should know that the way my brain works is a little bit different and I constantly feel like I am having epiphanies about life, love, God, relationships, etc. When someone asks me "how are you?" or "what's up?" These are generally the things that I want to share. I am really bad at just telling people about my day, but I am getting better at that here.

Anyway, new residents came on Monday and they have been adjusting just like I was merely 3 weeks ago. Needless to say, it is hard. There was one woman in particular that did not want to be here and continually mentioned when I asked how she was that she would not last long here. She told me some reasons why and I took the liberty of taking all responsibility for those reasons. I was worrying myself sick about trying to please her and it was sucking all the energy out of me (and I was failing). At the end of the day, she would say again how she doesn't want to be here. Finally, when I had a moment to spare, I prayed to God and asked him to help me to surrender the burden I was feeling. I asked that if this woman was supposed to stay, that He would change her mind because I can't and I also couldn't handle the pressure that I was feeling. The next day, I still felt hopeless for this woman but my burden was some what lifted. It wasn't until later that evening, after she had gone to a group counseling session that she was smiling. I asked her how it went and she said "it's the reason I'm staying". I couldn't believe it. I got to tell her that I was praying that God would find a way to keep her here if it would be good for her to be. We celebrated together. The rest of the night she talked to me and was much more open than she was before.

When reflecting on this experience today, I realized that BOUNDARIES are so very important. Sometimes I take it upon myself to fix someone or to make them happy or to do whatever I can for them. These are not healthy ways of relating to people (even if I do love them!) If I maintain healthy boundaries, loving them when I can and leaving the rest to God by surrendering and praying for them, then that is truly loving them. Crossing boundaries is never okay, even if it feels like it is the loving thing to do. If you have any questions about what I mean by boundaries (or anything else that I wrote today), then feel free to ask.

Until then, I DID IT! Hopefully I write again soon and hopefully people who want to read this will and those who don't won't. It's not my burden to worry about that, though. ;)

Lately, when I think of my friends...specifically my girl friends - my heart just leaps!

Kristi...my best friend. Who is always there for me. I love talking to her about what's going on in my heart and she always receives what I have to say so graciously. We have so much fun together and she laughs at all my jokes (or makes the same joke right after me - that's the best kind of friend). I realize that lately I have neglected her because I have been so wrapped up in myself. I hope that I can be the safety net to her as she is to me.

Ari...she is so wise. I admire her so much because she sticks to her convictions. She is really a woman after God's own heart. She and I have similar problems sometimes and I just feel this huge relief when we talk about how we're doing with those problems. It is so good to know that someone feels the same way that I do. Not to mention, her response is so not the same as mine (she responds well) and I look  up to her for that.

Danielle Kim...I don't know what it is about her but I just REALLY love her a lot. She is so sweet, funny, cute, and fun to be around. So is Eunice :)

Katie Helsley always makes me laugh. I just have the best time when I am with her.

Katie Voytastic...such a goof ball. I feel that I can be this adventurous free girl that lives life to the fullest when I am with her.

Taylor Murphy....she has been calling me every Monday (just about) and telling me about how God has been working in her life. It has been incredibly encouraging and even though we have always been close - I love keeping in touch with her.

Jess Robert: I really like Jess so much. She is just such a chill person that I love being around.

Mary Cabbb...OH MY GOSH I love her. We have got so close lately and I just love her. Did i mention that I love her? We dance, we talk, we sing, we have a good time.

I just really enjoy the company of these girls but I realize that lately, I have been so self-absorbed. Instead I have been crushing on this guy and it's been taking up a lot of my free time and my thoughts and my desires...it just messed with everything. I don't want to be that girl. Instead I want to be good to these girls that I love. I really love. And whether or not they feel the same around me (I'm pretty sure they do) means that the more I give to them, the more they give to me. Or something. This is super rough and I'm probably missing a bunch of people. But it's just on my heart and I needed to vent.

But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness...

I have a lot of things on my mind and I don't want to forget them, but I will. But I don't want to forget how assured I feel, at this moment, that Christianity is true.

Today, I woke up early to read Romans for a class. I pressed the "snooze" button on my alarm way too much. Then I went to eat breakfast. I always intend to do homework while I eat, but it never happens. I noticed that the guy sitting next to me was someone that I met in chapel the day before. His name is Sam. We had a good conversation about spiritual formation. Before he left, he prayed for us. In his prayer, he thanked God for what a blessing it was to have this conversation. I didn't get to read Romans, but I think that this was the better investment.

Afterward breakfast, I had cardio tennis. My foot has been "injured" for the last couple of weeks, but it was finally feeling better today. I had really missed working out and I always have fun in that class. Coach Dee makes me laugh so much, she said: "My aunt is 101...and well, let's just say...she's slowing down." Maybe you had to be there.

I had an hour before my next class so I listened to Romans audibly. Since the letters were originally written to be read audibly...I somehow felt more connected to what Paul was saying to the Romans. This happens to me when I read the Bible, it feels like I'm about to have an epiphany. Like, something in my heart is leaping with joy and I haven't quite understood it - but I'm so close. That happens to me a lot. It's my favorite feeling, next to when I finally understand the concept. If you have never listened / read Romans (or any book of the Bible) in one sitting, I highly recommend it.

Next, I had my Islamic theology class where we talked about how Muslims view Jesus (Isa). It was so interesting. Then, I had Women in Cross-Cultural ministry. My regular professor for the class is on a sick-leave, so we have a new professor. She brought up something that particularly interested me about ministry today. I felt that same...right before an epiphany feeling and even climaxed with understanding it - kind of. Then, I had theology of missions. This was the best lecture I have heard from Dr. Yeh all semester. It was incredible!

Then, I had a late lunch in the cafeteria. Normally, I don't like lunch - but today there were two different kinds of tacos. It was delicious! I had planned on just eating pizza, but this was a much better option.

Just a moment ago - I ran into Uncle Lloyd (Dr. Peckham) and he is just the kindest person that I've ever met. He encouraged me about going to Scotland this summer and remembered me as if I were in his class this semester (it's been a year since I was in his class). He asked if I remembered the song he taught in linguistics and I happily replied that I know it by heart! So, I got to perform it for him. He was giggling with me by the end of it.

Lastly, I turned in my grad petition form. I am on time and ready to graduate this time next year! I am so thankful for the wonderful professors, friends, and classes here at Biola. I am so extremely blessed beyond compare.

BUT, to be honest, just a few days ago - Sunday, actually. I was feeling a little sorry for myself. At that moment, I had really lost interest in everything. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to sleep. I thought, that if this is what life is like - then I don't want to be here. Every once in a while, I feel that way, but not in a suicidal way. Just...longing for Jesus to return or call me home. But then, today, I see what a joy life is and how God is using me to bless others and visa versa. Sometimes, I still don't understand the purpose of daily faithfulness. But today, it makes sense. Thank you God, for not listening to me when I've asked you to take me away from here. Thank you for being patient with me in my complaints about...nothing serious. Thank you for revealing yourself to me.

My sadness, though not all the time, is mostly me experiencing the after-effect of my sin. When I chase after other things, even though I know they aren't good for me, the result of my sin catches up to me. Then I get depressed. I disobey more. I think more about myself then others. It just goes on and on and on.

How funny because... when Jesus talks about worrying about life he says: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all of these things will be added onto you." Matthew 6:33

So, I guess - that's what I'll do.

"Calvary Love" from If by Amy Carmichael

• If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting "Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?" then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I find myself taking lapses for granted, "Oh, that's what they always do," "Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that," then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, "Just what I expected" if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying "Peace, peace," where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word "Let love be without dissimulation" and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.