my testimony, in brief

Sometimes people only call themselves Christians because their parents told them it was true, like Santa Clause. That was the way I felt for a really long time. I thought that the kids that went to church were weird and I liked my non-religious friends better. My parents fought a lot and eventually got divorced when I was 11. I never heard God speak to me verbally, but I wanted to hear from him so badly. I would go to my room, shut my door and be as quiet as I could, even holding my breath. I only heard ringing in my ears. So, I told my mom that I wanted to believe in God, but I couldn’t.

From about 7^th grade to my junior year of high school, I went to a Christian summer camp. Normally I would say the Christians in my life did not seem much different than other people I knew – but the people that worked at this camp were different. I could not quite grasp why that was. I experienced times of enlightenment while I was there, like that I should try to work out my relationship with my dad or that I should stop dating the jerk that was mean to me. Yet, I wasn’t quite sure what it meant to be a Christian and have a relationship with God, since I had never heard him speak.

I struggled with depression a lot through high school and it did not seem like God was there to comfort me. He felt so silent and far away. Still, I believed in him despite my doubts and unanswered questions. The possibility that God was real and he made me for some purpose was one of the only reasons I did not commit suicide. I decided to start going to church after my last year of camp. I only went from time to time, but I liked it and felt like I was doing my part in trying to get to know this silent God. I was invited to go to Mexico for a week to build a house and play with orphans. I decided to go. For the first time I saw a glimpse of what it must be like to be happy. I wasn’t trying to make myself happy. I felt happy because I was doing nice things for other people who could never pay me back and I liked it. The focus shifted from being only about me to something bigger than me. But sadly, when I went home, things did not seem to change much. I decided that I wanted to go to a Christian university to learn about God.

Not too soon afterward, I realized that God speaks to me through my Christian friends, through people who teach me about God, and through the Bible. This was confirmed during my first semester at a Christian university. I learned that my purpose in life is to live for the glory of God. God created me with abilities and characteristics that are like him. I learned about his unconditional love through what is referred to as the gospel. The gospel means “good news”. The good news is this, that Jesus, who is God in the flesh, came down to earth to reconcile all things to himself. I was separated from God because I wanted to rebel against his purposes for me. I wanted to live for myself – make myself happy, but he wanted me to live for him by loving him and other people – which actually made me happiest. What a relief to know the world does not revolve around me. God gave me a new heart. He helped me realize that I have done many terrible and selfish things in my life, but instead of being punished for it, Jesus took all the blame so that God could see me as perfect in his eyes. Then, God welcomed me into his family: I became a child of God because I believe that Jesus came and died in my place and rose from the dead, defeating my punishment. I am still learning about God and I need to remind myself of the gospel everyday because sometimes I still want to rebel. He still loves and forgives me because Jesus took the blame for every single mistake of mine.

It may seem hard to believe, like it is too good to be true, but some how I do believe and it has changed my whole life.