Lately, when I think of my friends...specifically my girl friends - my heart just leaps!

Kristi...my best friend. Who is always there for me. I love talking to her about what's going on in my heart and she always receives what I have to say so graciously. We have so much fun together and she laughs at all my jokes (or makes the same joke right after me - that's the best kind of friend). I realize that lately I have neglected her because I have been so wrapped up in myself. I hope that I can be the safety net to her as she is to me.

Ari...she is so wise. I admire her so much because she sticks to her convictions. She is really a woman after God's own heart. She and I have similar problems sometimes and I just feel this huge relief when we talk about how we're doing with those problems. It is so good to know that someone feels the same way that I do. Not to mention, her response is so not the same as mine (she responds well) and I look  up to her for that.

Danielle Kim...I don't know what it is about her but I just REALLY love her a lot. She is so sweet, funny, cute, and fun to be around. So is Eunice :)

Katie Helsley always makes me laugh. I just have the best time when I am with her.

Katie Voytastic...such a goof ball. I feel that I can be this adventurous free girl that lives life to the fullest when I am with her.

Taylor Murphy....she has been calling me every Monday (just about) and telling me about how God has been working in her life. It has been incredibly encouraging and even though we have always been close - I love keeping in touch with her.

Jess Robert: I really like Jess so much. She is just such a chill person that I love being around.

Mary Cabbb...OH MY GOSH I love her. We have got so close lately and I just love her. Did i mention that I love her? We dance, we talk, we sing, we have a good time.

I just really enjoy the company of these girls but I realize that lately, I have been so self-absorbed. Instead I have been crushing on this guy and it's been taking up a lot of my free time and my thoughts and my desires...it just messed with everything. I don't want to be that girl. Instead I want to be good to these girls that I love. I really love. And whether or not they feel the same around me (I'm pretty sure they do) means that the more I give to them, the more they give to me. Or something. This is super rough and I'm probably missing a bunch of people. But it's just on my heart and I needed to vent.

But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness...

I have a lot of things on my mind and I don't want to forget them, but I will. But I don't want to forget how assured I feel, at this moment, that Christianity is true.

Today, I woke up early to read Romans for a class. I pressed the "snooze" button on my alarm way too much. Then I went to eat breakfast. I always intend to do homework while I eat, but it never happens. I noticed that the guy sitting next to me was someone that I met in chapel the day before. His name is Sam. We had a good conversation about spiritual formation. Before he left, he prayed for us. In his prayer, he thanked God for what a blessing it was to have this conversation. I didn't get to read Romans, but I think that this was the better investment.

Afterward breakfast, I had cardio tennis. My foot has been "injured" for the last couple of weeks, but it was finally feeling better today. I had really missed working out and I always have fun in that class. Coach Dee makes me laugh so much, she said: "My aunt is 101...and well, let's just say...she's slowing down." Maybe you had to be there.

I had an hour before my next class so I listened to Romans audibly. Since the letters were originally written to be read audibly...I somehow felt more connected to what Paul was saying to the Romans. This happens to me when I read the Bible, it feels like I'm about to have an epiphany. Like, something in my heart is leaping with joy and I haven't quite understood it - but I'm so close. That happens to me a lot. It's my favorite feeling, next to when I finally understand the concept. If you have never listened / read Romans (or any book of the Bible) in one sitting, I highly recommend it.

Next, I had my Islamic theology class where we talked about how Muslims view Jesus (Isa). It was so interesting. Then, I had Women in Cross-Cultural ministry. My regular professor for the class is on a sick-leave, so we have a new professor. She brought up something that particularly interested me about ministry today. I felt that same...right before an epiphany feeling and even climaxed with understanding it - kind of. Then, I had theology of missions. This was the best lecture I have heard from Dr. Yeh all semester. It was incredible!

Then, I had a late lunch in the cafeteria. Normally, I don't like lunch - but today there were two different kinds of tacos. It was delicious! I had planned on just eating pizza, but this was a much better option.

Just a moment ago - I ran into Uncle Lloyd (Dr. Peckham) and he is just the kindest person that I've ever met. He encouraged me about going to Scotland this summer and remembered me as if I were in his class this semester (it's been a year since I was in his class). He asked if I remembered the song he taught in linguistics and I happily replied that I know it by heart! So, I got to perform it for him. He was giggling with me by the end of it.

Lastly, I turned in my grad petition form. I am on time and ready to graduate this time next year! I am so thankful for the wonderful professors, friends, and classes here at Biola. I am so extremely blessed beyond compare.

BUT, to be honest, just a few days ago - Sunday, actually. I was feeling a little sorry for myself. At that moment, I had really lost interest in everything. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to sleep. I thought, that if this is what life is like - then I don't want to be here. Every once in a while, I feel that way, but not in a suicidal way. Just...longing for Jesus to return or call me home. But then, today, I see what a joy life is and how God is using me to bless others and visa versa. Sometimes, I still don't understand the purpose of daily faithfulness. But today, it makes sense. Thank you God, for not listening to me when I've asked you to take me away from here. Thank you for being patient with me in my complaints about...nothing serious. Thank you for revealing yourself to me.

My sadness, though not all the time, is mostly me experiencing the after-effect of my sin. When I chase after other things, even though I know they aren't good for me, the result of my sin catches up to me. Then I get depressed. I disobey more. I think more about myself then others. It just goes on and on and on.

How funny because... when Jesus talks about worrying about life he says: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all of these things will be added onto you." Matthew 6:33

So, I guess - that's what I'll do.

"Calvary Love" from If by Amy Carmichael

• If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting "Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?" then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I find myself taking lapses for granted, "Oh, that's what they always do," "Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that," then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, "Just what I expected" if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying "Peace, peace," where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word "Let love be without dissimulation" and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
• If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.

my testimony, in brief

Sometimes people only call themselves Christians because their parents told them it was true, like Santa Clause. That was the way I felt for a really long time. I thought that the kids that went to church were weird and I liked my non-religious friends better. My parents fought a lot and eventually got divorced when I was 11. I never heard God speak to me verbally, but I wanted to hear from him so badly. I would go to my room, shut my door and be as quiet as I could, even holding my breath. I only heard ringing in my ears. So, I told my mom that I wanted to believe in God, but I couldn’t.

From about 7^th grade to my junior year of high school, I went to a Christian summer camp. Normally I would say the Christians in my life did not seem much different than other people I knew – but the people that worked at this camp were different. I could not quite grasp why that was. I experienced times of enlightenment while I was there, like that I should try to work out my relationship with my dad or that I should stop dating the jerk that was mean to me. Yet, I wasn’t quite sure what it meant to be a Christian and have a relationship with God, since I had never heard him speak.

I struggled with depression a lot through high school and it did not seem like God was there to comfort me. He felt so silent and far away. Still, I believed in him despite my doubts and unanswered questions. The possibility that God was real and he made me for some purpose was one of the only reasons I did not commit suicide. I decided to start going to church after my last year of camp. I only went from time to time, but I liked it and felt like I was doing my part in trying to get to know this silent God. I was invited to go to Mexico for a week to build a house and play with orphans. I decided to go. For the first time I saw a glimpse of what it must be like to be happy. I wasn’t trying to make myself happy. I felt happy because I was doing nice things for other people who could never pay me back and I liked it. The focus shifted from being only about me to something bigger than me. But sadly, when I went home, things did not seem to change much. I decided that I wanted to go to a Christian university to learn about God.

Not too soon afterward, I realized that God speaks to me through my Christian friends, through people who teach me about God, and through the Bible. This was confirmed during my first semester at a Christian university. I learned that my purpose in life is to live for the glory of God. God created me with abilities and characteristics that are like him. I learned about his unconditional love through what is referred to as the gospel. The gospel means “good news”. The good news is this, that Jesus, who is God in the flesh, came down to earth to reconcile all things to himself. I was separated from God because I wanted to rebel against his purposes for me. I wanted to live for myself – make myself happy, but he wanted me to live for him by loving him and other people – which actually made me happiest. What a relief to know the world does not revolve around me. God gave me a new heart. He helped me realize that I have done many terrible and selfish things in my life, but instead of being punished for it, Jesus took all the blame so that God could see me as perfect in his eyes. Then, God welcomed me into his family: I became a child of God because I believe that Jesus came and died in my place and rose from the dead, defeating my punishment. I am still learning about God and I need to remind myself of the gospel everyday because sometimes I still want to rebel. He still loves and forgives me because Jesus took the blame for every single mistake of mine.

It may seem hard to believe, like it is too good to be true, but some how I do believe and it has changed my whole life.

This is the beginning

I want to start writing a blog for a few reasons:

1. I am extremely privileged to get the college education and experience that I'm getting. A lot of people all over the world would really love to go to a Christian university, but would never get the chance for financial (or otherwise) reasons. I learn so much from my classes, professors, friends, and chapels. I think it would be nice to share this with others.

2. I think that sometimes, on the spur of the moment, I have very profound thoughts...but when I try to articulate what I want to say to explain to someone else, I realize I don't. Sometimes the process of writing my thoughts down or talking to someone about whatever it is helps, but I am either lazy or not used to doing so. Hopefully writing a blog will help me to form arguments and reasons with substance.

3. It's fun. So, here's to this adventure.

the real crucifixion of Jesus

Then Jesus is startled by a foul odour. It isn't the stench of open wounds. It’s something else. And it crawls inside him. He looks up to his Father. His Father looks back, but Jesus doesn't recognize these eyes. They pierce the invisible world with fire and darken the visible sky. And Jesus feels dirty. He hangs between earth and heaven filthy with human discharge on the outside and, now, filthy with human wickedness on the inside. 

The Father speaks: “Son of Man! Why have you sinned against me and heaped scorn on my great glory? You are self-sufficient and self-righteous—consumed with yourself and puffed up and selfishly ambitious. You rob me of my glory and worship what’s inside of you instead of looking out to the One who created you. You are a greedy, lazy, gluttonous slanderer and gossip. You are a lying, conceited, ungrateful, cruel adulterer. You practice sexual immorality; you make pornography, and fill you mind with vulgarity. You exchange my truth for a lie and worship the creature instead of the Creator. And so you are given up to your homosexual passions, dressing immodestly, and lusting after what is forbidden. With all your heart you love perverse pleasure. You hate your brother and murder him with the bullets of anger fired from your own heart. You kill babies for your convenience. You oppress the poor and deal slaves and ignore the needy. You persecute my people. You love money and prestige and honour. You put on a cloak of outward piety, but inside you are filled with dead men’s bones—you hypocrite! You are lukewarm and easily enticed by the world. You covet and can’t have so you murder. You are filled with envy and rage and bitterness and un-forgiveness. You blame others for your sin and are too proud to even call it sin. You are never slow to speak. And you have a razor tongue that lashes and cuts with its criticism and sinful judgment. Your words do not impart grace. Instead your mouth is a fountain of condemnation and guilt and obscene talk. You are a false prophet leading people astray. You mock your parents. You have no self-control. You are a betrayer who stirs up division and factions. You’re a drunkard and a thief. You’re an anxious coward. You do not trust me. You blaspheme against me. You are an un-submissive wife. And you are a lazy, disengaged husband. You file for divorce and crush the parable of my love for the church. You’re a pimp and a drug dealer. You practice divination and worship demons. The list of your sins goes on and on and on and on. And I hate these things inside of you. I’m filled with disgust, and indignation for your sin consumes me. Now, drink my cup! 

And Jesus does. He drinks for hours. He downs every drop of the scalding liquid of God’s own hatred of sin mingled with his white-hot wrath against that sin. This is the Father’s cup: omnipotent hatred and anger for the sins of every generation past, present, and future—omnipotent wrath directed at one naked man hanging on a cross. The Father can no longer look at his beloved Son, his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself. He looks away. 

Jesus pushes himself upward and howls to heaven, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 

Silence. Separation. 

Jesus whispers, “I’m thirsty,” and he sags. 

The merciful centurion soaks a sponge in sour wine and lifts in on a reed to Jesus’ lips. And the sour wine is the sweetest drink he ever tasted. 

Jesus pushes himself up again and cries, “It is finished.” And it is. Every sin of every child of God has been laid on Jesus and he drank the cup of God’s wrath dry.

-Rick Gamache

beginnings.

student at Biola University.
daughter of Kristin & John.
adopted by God, the Father.
saved by Jesus Christ.
indwelled with the Holy Spirit.
blessed with great friends.

life is so wonderful.
each moment carries opportunity.
opportunity to laugh, play, sing, dance.
don't let it go by.
moments are priceless.
they are slipping away each day.

trying to learn this.
trying to learn myself.
trying to learn God.
trying to learn how to love vulnerably.
without judgment.
without fear.

graced that He would increase.
that I may decrease.

bless the Lord, o my soul.
o my soul.
blessed His holy name.

thankful.
speechless.

journey.
beginning.